(As this is intended to be my journal, some of the things I am saying might sound offending, as they are mostly unedited thoughts. Please pardon me if you're offended, and we can talk.

If anyone reads this, that is.)


I'm tired.


I guess my goal to use this as a journal is kinda not working out that well, as I am the sorta guy that likes to keep to myself until things pile up. Yet on the other hand I want attention too, inside. Now, on cue, here's where someone will go "Mark, everyone's like that."

Yeah, so your point being...?

I know I'm quite a whiner, irresponsible, slow to change, stupidly insensitive at crucial moments, stubborn, irritating, likes attention, quick to condemn people, and lazy. And also not a man, or one who follows God's footsteps well. And what I say don't really matches with what I do. Happy?

And if you think that I am saying all this looking for sympathy when you read up to this point, guess what? Good job! Since you're so smart to have figured that out, might as well add that to the list if you were actually thinking that, eh?


People are just so damn tiring sometimes. Especially me.

"We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning, but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him." - 1 John 5:18

That verse and others are similarly echoed through out the bible. Noww....

On one hand there's the fact that we aren't sinners anymore.
On the other hand there's the fact that we are still sinning.
But since Christ took away our sins, past, present and future, we aren't sinners anymore.

But still. WTH?


I mean, what am I to do with that? I feel like I can't change at all.

Then again, on the other hand, there's Him tapping my shoulder in the shower today:

"You know, I wouldn't tell you to do something that you can't, right?"
"..."


And oh, btw, one last offending statement of the day: When you have someone you call a brother/sister/friend in pain, and you aren't prepared to love, care and share in the pain for a brother/sister/friend, and is instead substituting that with saying something cliche and just bang out solutions, then leave... please, save your breath. Job's friends sat with him for bloody 7 days; we can't even ask a simple "How are you?" or spend time listening to that person, sitting with them, or directing attention towards their needs. Instead, we focus all the time on OUR needs. OUR troubles. What am I going to do with my life. What am I going to do with my relationships. What am I going to do with this choice or that. Blah blah blah.

We wrap our full attention around our own hearts and fail to notice other hearts that have a gaping hole in them.

And we have managed to turn our own hearts slowly to ice as well.

Then years later, we'll wonder what has gone wrong with our friendships, relationships, and family. Why is everything so fake, so routine, so loveless. Why we aren't connecting well with God. Why the church isn't growing. Why our lives are so crappy.

That is for everyone who reads this. I hope that you'll take that away from this pile of crap as the one thing worth remembering, along with the verse.



Oh, and yes, I'm being hypocritical there too, so you can add that to the list. Boo yeah.



Beautiful Life - Konya tsuki no mieru oka ni

*Groans*

Man, I REALLY need to sleep more. And I really need to stop catching up on sleep in the morning class....

Let's see: Work till 12, Class, rush home for 2 hours of tutoring, then it's night already.... and time to work again.

GAH.


Random Question of the day: Mac users, how do you live without... NO, not the right mouse button. How do you freakin' live without a SCROLL WHEEL??? (At least on older macs)

Robbers snatch woman's purse, then return it

Tue Oct 18, 2:30 PM ET

VALLETTA (Reuters) - Two hooded gunmen who robbed a pharmacy returned an elderly woman's purse after she told them it contained the only money she had to buy medicine, Maltese newspapers reported Tuesday.

The two men barged into a pharmacy at Marsascala, a seaside village in the south of the island, Monday and took 600 Malta liri from the till after threatening the pharmacist with their guns.

One of them grabbed the purse held by the elderly woman who was waiting to be served, then handed it back after her pleading and rushed out to a waiting motorcycle.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/malta_dc;_ylt=Ak5WdIu6CrYOPj6x26_mFPrtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA--


The stories of our time.

And yes, BIOL 303 Midterm tomorrow. Prepared? Nope. Well, actually better than I thought. So... yeah.

Today we had a bible study, up in the study rooms of the new Erving Library. All windows and such, and all I saw today were gray clouds.

Jeff brought up a point today. Jesus, when we're in times or need or other times, never told us to go do this or do that or whatever. He just told us to "Come to me..." (Matthew 11:28) When I read this passage last week, I actually asked a question. Jesus said "my burden is light..."

And my reaction to that: "WTH? It's light??" I mean, it sure didn't feel like it at this point in my life.

As for "Come to me...", part of my heart right now is just sort of resistant against that idea. I don't deserve to go, I don't want to go... etc. And the other part knows that I should, or else I'll just dip lower and lower.

One side: You suck! You can't do jack anyways, you've tried for such a long time and you still can't change a single thing with yourself. You are never going to make it into Med with that stupid brain of yours. You are a bloody failure. You are selfish, stubborn, cocky, self-righteous... etc.

Other side: You know some of that's wrong, and some of that's true. Go to God and He'll help you overcome.

My side: ...

Yep. This is going to be sorta like my journal from now on. Now let's hope that I can remember to update this, at least, eh?

Tomorrow's bible study is at Erving 416. Library study room that looks better than my room: ain't that funky?

Rant due after my midterm on Thursday... or something. I really have to collect my thoughts again.