falling deeper and deeper. failing at even trying.


is there really no way out?


why can people improve, but not me?

weeeeeeeeeeee.

awesomeness. i just found out that i DO screw up on everything single thing.

or at least, i will screw up on some aspect of every single thing in a major way.


forgetting to invite someone for a party and pissing them off.

being condemned as a person who only talks behind people's backs when attempting to help. which is true enough.

seen as "disappointing" and "pitiful" for being a "talker-not-doer", for having attitude problems, for being depressed. again, true enough.

totally messing up the prep for a course critical to a possible path for my future, because i don't want to do anything.

following God? just like a freakin' donkey who just likes walking on the edge of cliffs instead of on the road.



weeeeee. sounding repetitive yet?

oh yeah, the reason i posted this is because i want attention. more disappointing?

enjoy the angst, and come again.





And now continuning my streak of sad and fitting songs for getting... well, you know.


我難過 - 5566

那一年默默無言　只能選擇離開
無邪的笑容已經　不再精彩
你害怕結局所以　拼命傷害
說是我擋住你的　美好未來

你堅決　不希望我等待
我便默默的讓你走開
如今你　受了傷回來
叫我如何接受這安排

我難過的是　放棄你　放棄愛
放棄的夢被打碎　忍住悲哀
我以為　是成全　你卻說你更不愉快

我難過的是　忘了你　忘了愛
盡全力忘記我們　真心相愛
也忘了　告訴你　失去的不能重來

Rather fitting.

The song, that is. Wasn't thinking about it much, until I heard this song and read the lyrics.


It's a cycle:
1. Mark gets to know person.
2. Person thinks Mark is funny, nice, assorted outside things.
3. Person gets to know Mark more and talks with him more.
4. Finds out that Mark has problems and whines about it too.
5a. Attempts to help Mark, or
b. Doesn't really do much, or
c. Run away.
6. Person realizes that his/her help doesn't do much, and Mark just basically talks about things he wants to improve on and things he wants to do, and person labels him as such - "talker".
7. Doesn't care about Mark as much anymore and treats him as "good friend", though person wouldn't want anything to do with his problems because he never does anything anyways, and they are disappointed in him and pities Mark.
8. Because people either feel that way, or Mark thinks his problems are exasperating people, since they are pretty much always the same, he slowly stops talking about his problems anymore and doesn't really know how to communicate it anymore.



Not intended to blame or insult anyone - really. Just an observation that I happen to see. Feel free to trash or comment on this post if you are unlucky enough to be one of the few out of the 6 billion people on earth who actually reads this stuff. kthx.

4 years, 4 months, and 7 days.

so.


it has been 4 years, 4 months, and 7 days from when our paths first crossed,

to the day when the sun sank into the sea, with my heart following right along.



why can't i let it go?


i was a fool believing in a dream nobody else believed in, though i thought that one person would believe in it too. turns out i was wrong.

and now even my dream is shattered beyond relief.







Lord, blessed be Your name.

Words.

Sometimes, words just can't express what you feel. Or at least the right words are hard to find.

I guess this is the closest I can get to it.

When the Tears Fall
By Tim Hughes

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When the laughter fails to comfort
when my heart aches, Lord are you there?
When confusion, is all around me
and the darkness is my closest friend


Maybe I'll post up a version of what it feels without any words at all later, eh?

Not that anybody knows what I'm talking about.