just one in a million faces.

It's been a while since I've posted on here. One or two people sometimes question me on why I update my xanga/blogs so infrequently, and I usually reply with a grin and something along the lines of "Because I have nothing depressing to post. = )" Though I have made a commitment to share with people both blessings and sadness that the Lord has given to me in my life, I have found myself sharing more sadnesses and blessings - not for a lack of blessings, but more for a want of spilling out the crap and getting attention from people. Now that's pretty sad as well, but I'll keep moving on.

Camp. It was awesome. It was great to see the Lord bind the Youths together in a way that has never been before, and to show His power through that. It was great to see people seeking God.

It was interesting that it happened at this time, since I was quite angry about the way this youth group is, just on the night before we left for camp. 'Why are we so messed up?' I asked. 'Why aren't people seeking God? Why don't they have a passion for God, but have more of a passion for their dating lives, games, 'fun times', etc.?' Now I know, there are folks in the youth who are seeking God as well, and I thank God for those folks. But what happened to the rest? What's with the setting up of walls and defenses? What's with the hardening of their hearts away from God?

Then this camp happened. And the funny and ironic thing is, God took away my voice during this camp. I don't know exactly why, but I have a funny feeling that He's saying this: "I don't need you to tell them to love me together and to love each other. I can do that just fine without you."

And now, looking back, I look upon the times when I tried to talk to the group. It seems that everytime I talk, people go into the 'oh crap mark is preaching again' mode, and I can see the eyes that look at the ground, the walls, the papers in their hands... anywhere but at me. I know well that I am imperfect, and that others see me as some sort of a hypocrite as well, especially given how some of them had been with me for a long time, and have seen some of my sins, flirting with others, etc. And just the night before I left, during a conversation, a sister told me that I was basically a concrete wall that doesn't listen and absorb what others have to say, but just bounces answers back at them.

A second part of my reflection is how much I draw my self-worth from people's admiration of me. If they praise me, if they acknowledge me for my talents, then I feel that I am worthy. If they pay attention to me, if they like to spend time with me, then I feel that I am okay. So basically, if I don't get attention, I go crappers. Simple enough to understand, I guess, and the stupidity is just paramount. I have heard many times that one cannot draw their self-worth from others, for it is in God where it all comes from. Yet I never seem to have gotten that.

Now, I've seen many of my talents fall into nothing, because I haven't treasured them. My best friends are establishing a closer friendship with others while I drift farther, bit by bit. The person whom I've given a big piece of my heart to - well, she is going after another person now. (To clarify, I don't grudge her choice in terms of the person, but I do feel that she's making a mistake again in terms of the situation. That frustrates and saddens me, but that's another story.) I feel, in a way, that people around me now see me as nothing more than a hypocritical preacher-type who can't hold responsibilities, do what he tells others to do, and can't do much that I'm told to do, either. All the while I retract more into my shell, and desperately still tries to draw attention to myself, being self-centered, absorbed, whatever you want to call it.

In other words, becoming just one in a million faces out in the sea of people, lost and drifting, afraid to love, afraid to be touched, afraid to fly away.

Damn, even my posts are so messed up. I'm seriously messed here.

廖碧兒 - 實情 (人間蒸發主題曲)

作曲：鄭智偉　填詞：鄭櫻綸

迷戀往事　想千遍　那管無意義
追蹤百萬次　分析微細意思

尋找千里　卻別離　情理歪曲真諷刺
行近看明白當初不過無知

如望著塵埃　穿灰塵望向外　矇矇地尋找所愛
疲累沒離開　心僅存著意外　其實舊情已不再

沉溺往事　幾千次　悔心無意義
花光氣力試　終枉然欠意思
如光影照　正面時　常理般推測不智
行近了　能讓親手敲破　無知

迷路在人海　玻璃層疊意外　無奈實情透不過
無話別離開　不甘在眼內　期望拾回往昔愛

沉溺往事　幾千次　悔心無意義
花光氣力試　終枉然欠意思
如光影照　正面時　常理般推測不智
行近了　能讓親手敲破　無知