the sea, the sky, the stars, and You.

my song that no one hears.

2007-04-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

standing in the rain, tears streaming down, playing a song that no one can hear, people passing by without seeing.

coming back to the song of my heart that no one knows, again.

Poison (Slow Version) - GTO

never knowing what i always knew.

2007-01-04T01:02:00.000-08:00

So today we had this nice day where I just went out to see some old high school friends, picked up my hockey stick from Pt. Roberts, and just had a nice day of chilling with Alex and Franz out at 'the place', which they've never been to before. They were quite pleasantly surprised by it, and we had some nice weather as we walked off lunch.

We were listening to some oldies (i.e. pop songs from high school era) on the car on the way back, and some of the songs were quite nice to hear again. Franz and Alex stopped on the way to pick up some orders in NCIX, and I was alone guarding the car when I heard a song I haven't in a long time.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

And some emotions just come surging up again. While I've had hints and such occasionally through the past while, this song just kinda snapped it. And I realized, I really don't know myself. I thought that I was one who likes easily, lets go easily, basically a weakling who talks more than he does and never pursues hard. I was at least partially wrong. It still hurts like a fresh wound. I let go easily on the outside, but on the inside, it's still there, when I dig deep enough past all the things that occupy my attention. And I have no bloody clue why.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

I'm such an idiot. =) I don't even know why I'm posting this up. Or maybe I do know, but I just don't want to acknowledge it. Bleh.

echo.

2006-12-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

heard this song recently again.

i haven't heard a song that resounds my feelings quite as exactly as this song does.

lovely storm.

2006-12-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

mark - when even silence sets my heart to racing. says:
ORLY?
mark - when even silence sets my heart to racing. says:
nice
[2] furanzu says:
WTH!!
[2] furanzu says:
suddently
[2] furanzu says:
theres crazy hail outside
[2] furanzu says:
its so crazy
[2] furanzu says:
WTH THE TREE JUST FLEW
[2] furanzu says:
WTH
[2] furanzu says:
A BIRD JUST DIED
[2] furanzu says:
WAT THE HECK IS GOING ON

[2] furanzu says:
OMG

mark - when even silence sets my heart to racing. says:
...

[2] furanzu appears to be offline. Messages you send will be delivered when they sign in. Email this contact instead.

orion

2006-12-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

no, i didn't spell 'onion' wrong. i just had this impulse to post about this.

so i walked into my washroom last night, when all was quiet, and on impulse, i decided not to turn on the lights, but instead closed the door and opened the blinds on the window which faced south, and looked out into the night sky.

at first, i wasn't able to see anything. but slowly, when my eyes have adjusted, i began to see a star here, and a star there. the 3 stars of Orion's belt slowly came into focus, as well as his limbs and his arms. another bright star came into focus to the right of Orion, and i thought, maybe that's mars or venus or the international space station or something, because Polaris usually isn't that low in the sky.

as i continued to squint up at the sky, I can almost see the mass of stars that runs across the night sky, the milky way. but it remains elusively out of focus, out of reach, because of the bright city lights that brighten up the night sky. a sadness wells up within my heart when i realized that all this seems to be echoing with something within my heart, something regarding the state of my life now.

i closed the blinds, and i returned to my room to seek my Father.

Nicol's Piano Namida No Theme - Kakishima Shinji

if You are.

2006-11-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

if You are God, and if You are mighty to save indeed

then please save me from my useless self in this world.

where I can do nothing well, where I am still a brat, a child incapable of taking responsibility, where I am just mere mediocrity in whatever I do, where those who like me quickly shy away after they see through me, where I can't see the important things and go after them, where I cannot control myself, and where my eyes are dried up because I've ran out of tears.

if You are, then please.

a beautiful life - random thought.

2006-09-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

The white wings of the butterfly flicked through the air, tangy with a slight smell of salt and pushed by a gentle breeze.

"What purpose does a butterfly have in its short life? It is born on ripe leaves during the budding spring, frolicks among the flowers during summertime, and disappears into dust amid the falling autumn leaves. Yet in the grand scheme of nature made by the Lord, it has a part and purpose. If it lives aside from that though, it has no purpose to its life at all.

... Just as we are, I guess? Just as we are."

The butterfly flew on, as the warm sun continues to shine.

Beautiful song this is, ain't it?

just one in a million faces.

2006-08-31T12:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted on here. One or two people sometimes question me on why I update my xanga/blogs so infrequently, and I usually reply with a grin and something along the lines of "Because I have nothing depressing to post. = )" Though I have made a commitment to share with people both blessings and sadness that the Lord has given to me in my life, I have found myself sharing more sadnesses and blessings - not for a lack of blessings, but more for a want of spilling out the crap and getting attention from people. Now that's pretty sad as well, but I'll keep moving on.

Camp. It was awesome. It was great to see the Lord bind the Youths together in a way that has never been before, and to show His power through that. It was great to see people seeking God.

It was interesting that it happened at this time, since I was quite angry about the way this youth group is, just on the night before we left for camp. 'Why are we so messed up?' I asked. 'Why aren't people seeking God? Why don't they have a passion for God, but have more of a passion for their dating lives, games, 'fun times', etc.?' Now I know, there are folks in the youth who are seeking God as well, and I thank God for those folks. But what happened to the rest? What's with the setting up of walls and defenses? What's with the hardening of their hearts away from God?

Then this camp happened. And the funny and ironic thing is, God took away my voice during this camp. I don't know exactly why, but I have a funny feeling that He's saying this: "I don't need you to tell them to love me together and to love each other. I can do that just fine without you."

And now, looking back, I look upon the times when I tried to talk to the group. It seems that everytime I talk, people go into the 'oh crap mark is preaching again' mode, and I can see the eyes that look at the ground, the walls, the papers in their hands... anywhere but at me. I know well that I am imperfect, and that others see me as some sort of a hypocrite as well, especially given how some of them had been with me for a long time, and have seen some of my sins, flirting with others, etc. And just the night before I left, during a conversation, a sister told me that I was basically a concrete wall that doesn't listen and absorb what others have to say, but just bounces answers back at them.

A second part of my reflection is how much I draw my self-worth from people's admiration of me. If they praise me, if they acknowledge me for my talents, then I feel that I am worthy. If they pay attention to me, if they like to spend time with me, then I feel that I am okay. So basically, if I don't get attention, I go crappers. Simple enough to understand, I guess, and the stupidity is just paramount. I have heard many times that one cannot draw their self-worth from others, for it is in God where it all comes from. Yet I never seem to have gotten that.

Now, I've seen many of my talents fall into nothing, because I haven't treasured them. My best friends are establishing a closer friendship with others while I drift farther, bit by bit. The person whom I've given a big piece of my heart to - well, she is going after another person now. (To clarify, I don't grudge her choice in terms of the person, but I do feel that she's making a mistake again in terms of the situation. That frustrates and saddens me, but that's another story.) I feel, in a way, that people around me now see me as nothing more than a hypocritical preacher-type who can't hold responsibilities, do what he tells others to do, and can't do much that I'm told to do, either. All the while I retract more into my shell, and desperately still tries to draw attention to myself, being self-centered, absorbed, whatever you want to call it.

In other words, becoming just one in a million faces out in the sea of people, lost and drifting, afraid to love, afraid to be touched, afraid to fly away.

Damn, even my posts are so messed up. I'm seriously messed here.

廖碧兒 - 實情 (人間蒸發主題曲)

作曲：鄭智偉　填詞：鄭櫻綸

迷戀往事　想千遍　那管無意義
追蹤百萬次　分析微細意思

尋找千里　卻別離　情理歪曲真諷刺
行近看明白當初不過無知

如望著塵埃　穿灰塵望向外　矇矇地尋找所愛
疲累沒離開　心僅存著意外　其實舊情已不再

沉溺往事　幾千次　悔心無意義
花光氣力試　終枉然欠意思
如光影照　正面時　常理般推測不智
行近了　能讓親手敲破　無知

迷路在人海　玻璃層疊意外　無奈實情透不過
無話別離開　不甘在眼內　期望拾回往昔愛

沉溺往事　幾千次　悔心無意義
花光氣力試　終枉然欠意思
如光影照　正面時　常理般推測不智
行近了　能讓親手敲破　無知

God's ownage of the day.

2006-06-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 10

12 Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs.

18 He who conceals his hatred has lying lips,
and whoever spreads slander is a fool.

19 When words are many, sin is not absent,
but he who holds his tongue is wise.

20 The tongue of the righteous is choice silver,
but the heart of the wicked is of little value.

21 The lips of the righteous nourish many,
but fools die for lack of judgement.

31 The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom,
but a perverse tongue will be cut out.

10:18 By hating another person you may become a liar or a fool. If you try to conceal your hatred, you end up lying. If you slander the other person and are proven wrong, you are a fool. The only way out is to admit your hateful feelings to God. Ask him to change your heart, to help you love instead of hate.

beautiful.

2006-06-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

It was a rather beautiful time of singing songs in worship tonight. Haven't focused like that for quite a long time, even though I still had to struggle with focusing on how to play better for Him.

The recordings will not be released... for now. At least not until people stop threatening me with death if I release these recordings =p

more than it seems?

2006-06-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

You know, somewhere along the way,

I lost my dreams.

I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I want to be, I don't know what I want to do.

Neither do I know what the Lord wants me to do, in terms of... I guess you can say, my place in this world.

Once, before the brilliant sea and sky, I told my friend that I want to become a worship pastor. A person who just helps people out, who can bring people to meet God, who can bring the voices out in people to sing and praise God with all their hearts and souls and strength. That was 2 summers ago.

And now, I don't know what happened to that, and what God is saying. And I can't tell what's the Holy Spirit speaking in me, or me speaking to myself, anymore.

If anybody have some wisdom of some sort, I'd gladly hear it.

More Than It Seems - Kutless

Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me
Am I a prince in a far away land filled with fantasy

Where is reality and what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding onto the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be

Chorus
More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems

Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left (than when I left)
Never letting go of the lessens I learned
This will make a change
A change within me

Chorus
More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems

This time I won't run away
I found the strength to face life's long days
This time I won't run away

Chorus
More than it seems these dreams inside (show me the way to these dreams)
Blur reality's line ('til there's nothing that's left of me)
If I could believe the dreams aside (show me the way to these dreams)
I am capable more than it seems

'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams

Show me the way to these dreams.

just a song.

2006-06-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

There is so much crap in my life that if I bother posting on it everytime, this blog will be - yep - full of crap.

Instead, lots of times, there are things that are just so much more worthwhile to post than my pain and confusion.

Things like this song. It's beautiful.

Joseph's Lullaby

Go to sleep, my son
This manger for your bed
You have a long road before you
Rest your little head

Can you feel the weight of your glory
Do you understand the price
Or does the Father guard your heart for now
So you can sleep tonight

Go to sleep, my son
Go and chase your dreams
This world can wait for one more moment
Go and sleep in peace

I believe the glory of Heaven
Is lying in my arms tonight
Lord, I ask that He for just this moment
Simply be my child

Go to sleep, my son
Baby, close your eyes
Soon enough you'll save the day
But for now, dear child of mine
Oh my Jesus, sleep tight

Don't ask me why it's beautiful. It just is.

2006-05-22T02:14:00.000-07:00

falling deeper and deeper. failing at even trying.

is there really no way out?

why can people improve, but not me?

weeeeeeeeeeee.

2006-05-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

awesomeness. i just found out that i DO screw up on everything single thing.

or at least, i will screw up on some aspect of every single thing in a major way.

forgetting to invite someone for a party and pissing them off.

being condemned as a person who only talks behind people's backs when attempting to help. which is true enough.

seen as "disappointing" and "pitiful" for being a "talker-not-doer", for having attitude problems, for being depressed. again, true enough.

totally messing up the prep for a course critical to a possible path for my future, because i don't want to do anything.

following God? just like a freakin' donkey who just likes walking on the edge of cliffs instead of on the road.

weeeeee. sounding repetitive yet?

oh yeah, the reason i posted this is because i want attention. more disappointing?

enjoy the angst, and come again.

And now continuning my streak of sad and fitting songs for getting... well, you know.

我難過 - 5566

那一年默默無言　只能選擇離開
無邪的笑容已經　不再精彩
你害怕結局所以　拼命傷害
說是我擋住你的　美好未來

你堅決　不希望我等待
我便默默的讓你走開
如今你　受了傷回來
叫我如何接受這安排

我難過的是　放棄你　放棄愛
放棄的夢被打碎　忍住悲哀
我以為　是成全　你卻說你更不愉快

我難過的是　忘了你　忘了愛
盡全力忘記我們　真心相愛
也忘了　告訴你　失去的不能重來

Rather fitting.

2006-05-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

The song, that is. Wasn't thinking about it much, until I heard this song and read the lyrics.

It's a cycle:
1. Mark gets to know person.
2. Person thinks Mark is funny, nice, assorted outside things.
3. Person gets to know Mark more and talks with him more.
4. Finds out that Mark has problems and whines about it too.
5a. Attempts to help Mark, or
b. Doesn't really do much, or
c. Run away.
6. Person realizes that his/her help doesn't do much, and Mark just basically talks about things he wants to improve on and things he wants to do, and person labels him as such - "talker".
7. Doesn't care about Mark as much anymore and treats him as "good friend", though person wouldn't want anything to do with his problems because he never does anything anyways, and they are disappointed in him and pities Mark.
8. Because people either feel that way, or Mark thinks his problems are exasperating people, since they are pretty much always the same, he slowly stops talking about his problems anymore and doesn't really know how to communicate it anymore.

Not intended to blame or insult anyone - really. Just an observation that I happen to see. Feel free to trash or comment on this post if you are unlucky enough to be one of the few out of the 6 billion people on earth who actually reads this stuff. kthx.

4 years, 4 months, and 7 days.

2006-05-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

so.

it has been 4 years, 4 months, and 7 days from when our paths first crossed,

to the day when the sun sank into the sea, with my heart following right along.

why can't i let it go?

i was a fool believing in a dream nobody else believed in, though i thought that one person would believe in it too. turns out i was wrong.

and now even my dream is shattered beyond relief.

Lord, blessed be Your name.

Words.

2006-05-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, words just can't express what you feel. Or at least the right words are hard to find.

I guess this is the closest I can get to it.

When the Tears Fall
By Tim Hughes

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost, I'll call You saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
When silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
My defender, forevermore

I will praise You, I will praise You
When the tears fall, still I will sing to You
I will praise You, Jesus praise You
Through the suffering still I will sing

When the laughter fails to comfort
when my heart aches, Lord are you there?
When confusion, is all around me
and the darkness is my closest friend

Maybe I'll post up a version of what it feels without any words at all later, eh?

Not that anybody knows what I'm talking about.

Life dramatized

2006-04-01T01:26:00.000-08:00

Recently, my brother had begun watching a bunch of VCDs from this chinese series - "Lo Po Dai yun". (Yes, I've lost the ability to type in chinese - help here please?) Since he watches the darn things right behind me on the laptop... well, let's just say that I got quite a lot of it too.

The show itself had some heart-warming moments, but quite a lot of it is just ridiculously over-blown incidents that have the two protagonists, the wife and husband, spinning around misunderstandings. I mean, half the stupid show was spent focusing on how they are misunderstanding each other over this guy, who was the wife's old boyfriend, and the various things that happen.

Then I look back into my life, and then I realize, you know, a lot of times things are pretty ridiculous. I mean, not as bad as what was on the show, but a lot of it could really, really be avoided if we were honest to each other and also less 'reactive' to things. And trust. It's really hard to trust someone else over your own senses and instincts, especially with the devil right there whispering words to you. Which is ridiculous, because you are also expecting the other person to be very smart and able to know completely that you are not happy at them for some specific reason, at the same time.

On the other hand, it's also really easy to be mad at someone for not trusting you, because your pride is right there, telling you, "Hey, he doesn't trust you - he thinks you aren't trustworthy! He doesn't look at the relationship between you two as important enough for him to trust!!" When all of this might just be happening because of some small things misunderstood, or just because one or neither side is willing to admit their problems, or to be the first one to talk to the other person. "It's his fault, he should talk to me first!" "It's her fault. She has to come to me first!"

Sigh.

And this is the ONE thing that you'd think that anyone would learn, but never do:

WHITE LIES CAN OWN YOU LIKE NO TOMORROW.
You know, our culture is one that accepts that a "white lie" occasionally is necessary and good, but the ironic thing is that drama shows of this era shows something completely different. If I learned anything from these (mostly stupid) shows, it's that white lies come right back to bite you in the arse, and usually MUCH MUCH HARDER than if you told the truth. Thing are better expressed honestly and fast, but sensitively, as silence can be even worse than saying something.

Misunderstandings DO kill. -_- God wasn't joking when He told us to be straight and honest with each other.

EDIT: Okay, let me make a correction. I thought that this show couldn't get worse. It did.

It's one of these shows that make me go "Zomg, what's freakin' WRONG with this show? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CHARACTERS???"

The guy character is ABSOLUTELY RETARDED and just listens to EVERYTHING. He doesn't even bloody think logically, and people just makes decisions for him. Meanwhile, the girl character is STUBBORN AS A ROCK, and the other girl is just PURE EVIL.

Sigh. It's a show that makes me want to wring someone's neck just by hearing it when my brother plays it.

李克勤 - 花園街的流星

Flossing, Traffic, and Prayer.

2006-03-25T14:10:00.000-08:00

Had an interesting morning today, to say the least.

After that angsty post last night, this morning I went to prayer meeting... or attempted to.

I was sidetracked by a certain moron going "I NEED A RIDE TO TEH DENTIST I HAV NO FRDS KTHX" =p
And hence, my morning was spent getting Mr. Wong Jr. to the Dentist's office, instead of the prayer meeting at the church.

Which wasn't actually such a bad thing. I had no Bible, though I really wanted to read at that point. So I decided to settle down and pray, while I wait for him to get drilled and flourided. (Btw, I hate that stuff - don't you?) And I ended up praying about some different things, but mainly spending time talking to Him about what I'm going through and putting it into His hands.

And thanks for the blue skies today too.

Note: Here's a picture of what I mean by 'moron'. We were stuck in traffic in the middle of Shaugnessy and Lougheed, waiting for the light to turn... and some guy decides to take out his dental floss, open the window, and stick his foot out the window while flossing.

I wish I had a ski mask to put on at that point. -_-

Blank Space

2006-03-25T02:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday =)

2006-03-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well, that was an interesting night =)
But I'm just glad to see her so happy.

Mark: Hmm, on how would you rate her "happy" level tonight?
Anna: *Thinks for a moment* 10. Definitely a 10.
Mark: Hmm? How rare is that for her?
Anna: Pretty rare for her, actually. I mean, she got the presents that she wanted, she got alcohol in her *Mark raises an eyebrow and Anna smiles* AND she's got such a big group of people celebrating with her...
*In the middle of the crowd, the birthday girl starts crying tears of joy...*
Anna: *grins* SEE? Definitely a TEN!!! *pumps fist*
Mark: *lol*

What WASN'T so good though was that the present only rated a "Room for Improvement" though =( lol. Crap, I actually wanted to do one with simpler colors, such as just with 'that' green, white, and maybe sky blue, then I changed my idea because I thought she would like more colorful and that I'm too simple most of the time. Gah, who knew I'd own myself so hard >_<

I guess that means I have to work harder on it next time then... ohs nos =p

Now for a verse that I like, and a bit of thoughts this week.

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

Sometimes... i.e. a LOT of times, I'll still ignore God's will and my own responsibilities, which is just plain dumb, but meditating more on His Word and praying more is helping, and it's showing. That, and also when someone that cares about you tell you that they're disappointed in you. That just bugs me to no end and make me go =( because, when I hear that, it seems like that they aren't going to care about you in the same way anymore...

But regardless, it's very true, especially when it coincides with what I know about myself. I.e. I am disappointed in myself, too. I just pray that God will help me out and help me to focus on Him when I'm trying to be more like Him, not just because other people are expecting me to.

Oi, time to wake up and work then =)

2006-03-17T10:56:00.000-08:00

David Crowder Band - Come Awake

(Thanks Anna for the song.)

Ephesians 5:14 <---- Can't believe I left out this one.
Romans 6:1-14
[Also see: Luke 8:40-56.]

"You are dead to sin and alive to God. That's what Jesus did.

That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time--remember, you've been raised from the dead!-into God's way of doing things. Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer. You're living in the freedom of God."

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

Come awake. Come alive.

Are we left here on our own?
Can you feel when your last breath is gone?
Night is waiting heavy now
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

You are not the only one
Who feels like the only one
Night soon will be lifted friend
Just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise

Rise, rise, rise, rise….
Shine, shine, Oh shine
We will shine
We will rise
We will shine, shine, shine

2006-03-08T23:21:00.000-08:00

No, your ears are not deceiving you. This is a Britney Spears song, and I am streaming it.

Part I - Me

"... everytime I try to fly, I fall
without my wings, I feel so small..."

When you feel like you've tried really hard already, and you still fall on your ass, always looking up at the top of the well... well, I can't help but feel a bit angry. Resigned. And deflated. Given that I actually went to SFU for a week and tried hard to study for these two midterms, then unexpectedly, they screwed me over...

It kind of deflates you, especially if you haven't had good results a while, and especailly if you can't even step over these miniscule bumps. How can I get to med if I can't even do an easy phys chem midterm properly? How can I get to bloody med if a Biol midterm slaps me in the face with a 67%... when I actually tried to study for the damn thing? I get higher when I go in studying for 4 hours the night before!

I do thank God though, as the Biol MT was.... well, the teacher admit that it was written crappily, class avg. 57%, and that he's going to make it worth only 5%. And that means I have a chance. But still, there goes the confidence, in a way.

Small thing, I know. Full of angst, I know. Sue me.

Then come matters in your spiritual life, and in your fight against sin.

Same thing. I've promised to try to stop it. And now I realize, how bad of an idea it was to make a promise regarding myself and stopping my sinful habits... because I had no idea how weak I really am. Actually, I probably know how weak I am, but I just didn't watch my big mouth before I blurted it out. Now look at me, and where I am, again.

The fact that He gives me so much, and how much responsibility I take towards it... it's sickening. I can't even hold promises to other people and follow through on it. Much less my promises to God. What the hell am I?

Then the song starts to ring in my head again, and I realize the truth of it, all the more.

"What do I have, if I don't have you Jesus..."

Part II - Me... and an empty heart.

"... everytime I see, you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me..."

And now... for the GOOD stuff. Ho boy. As if the stuff in front wasn't bad enough.

I've been trying to not look at her. In a way, maybe it's because I'm angry that I THINK she's doing something stupid, like liking some guy she shouldn't be liking. Or maybe it's just that I don't want anything more to do with her other than be a brother that cares about her if she needs me to, because reason tells me that she's not a girl that "fits" me well, nor I her.

Maybe that's already a sign that something is not quite right with me. Oh, I know she's chose another guy and not me already... I think. Yet, when I see her get so friendly with another guy besides the one she might have 'chosen', part of me goes "WTH?". The other part of me, through conversations with people, believes that it has reached a logical conclusion as well: "That she really isn't the type of girl for me. I mean, look at this, look at that... blah blah blah..."

Then I encountered her one day. Maybe she was trying to see why I am being distant from her, which is why she tried to talk to me a few times. Maybe she was just being herself.

And then I glanced at her. And then... the image just wouldn't leave my head after that. And my heart just kind of tightened painfully. Hmm.

Looks like my heart doesn't quite agree with my logic. Or maybe my heart is giving my head a raised eyebrow and asking "So what?"

Knowing that I like her quite a lot still doesn't help at all though. She'd already rejected me once, and chosen someone else once. She already believes that I am not the type of person for her. So why would she accept?

I want to be so much to her. I want to give her so much. But I am only a bird who can't fly, no matter how hard I try to grow, how hard I try to flap my wings. Maybe I don't even know whether I really want what I think I want, which is even worse.

So what's left? What do I even have that I can give?

2006-03-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

怎麼捨得你 - 張學友

紅笑臉紅裙紅絲巾
白紙般坦率還天真
一對眼水晶般吸引
流轉的舞步像浮雲

忘記你但仍然想起
愈想起更加難入寐
緊抱你抱緊的只得空氣
明知得不到你何必再要記起

一絲絲一點點燒毀憶記
一幅幅一聲聲又復燃起怎麼捨得你
任由我腸斷至死

戀一生差一些不可一起
只一心等一天日月如飛卻等不到你
願忘記又想起你

情與愛是無從更改
未更改卻因何分開
失去你才明白未可捨棄
但始終祝福你寧願我這田地

Why?

2006-02-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

Suzuka - The scar from a day long past -Piano-

2006-01-21T01:07:00.000-08:00

January 19th - Whenever there is the experience of fatigue or weariness or degradation, you may be certain you have done one of two things - either you have disregarded a law of nature, or you have deliberately got out of touch with God.

On one level, I don't necessarily agree with that. However, I could see where Oswald Chambers was leading when he wrote this, and it is true.

"but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
- Isaiah 40:31

Indeed, even though King David expressed tiredness and weariness in his Psalms quite often, one of the interesting thing he does in his psalms is that there is nearly always a hopeful passage, right at the end of the psalm. And, I believe that he was renewed and refreshed by God. And Chambers is right, in that being out of touch with God, or disregarding a law of nature (i.e. sleeping IS required =p) does cause you to be tired and weary. Took me a while to get my mind around it though.

Personal thoughts:

Saw and heard somethings tonight which made me think a bit: definitely not pleasant thoughts though, as they revolve around a certain amount of sorrow, as well as sadness and how stupid we people sometimes are. Maybe a bit mad at the person as well for being that stupid? Probably. It's been a while, and I thought that the person changed enough to get out of that habit too. Maybe, maybe not.

But nothing's for sure yet, and as usual my mind likes to speculate a lot with not much info to process =p

And oh, on a sidenote, my bro and I bought a new (well, old songs) CD today - and one of my favourite songs was on there, in a style I certainly and totally did not expect. It blew me away. I'll post it up later =) Too tired now.

2006-01-15T23:43:00.000-08:00

January 15th - 'Never make the blunder of trying to forecast the way God is going to answer your prayer.'

'Over and over again God has to teach us how to stand and endure, watching actively and wondering. It is always a wonder when God answers prayer.... It is so wonderful that a great many people believe it impossible.'

(Sorry if the song is a bit sad, but I really love this song.)

GARRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!

Yes, I know the following will freak some of you rare readers out, and scare off others. Read on at your own risk.

In the last 4 days, I have just finished watching the whole anime series of 'Suzuka'. Yes, it is that romance/sports anime. No, I am not an anime freak, nor desperate, nor gay. But it really is a beautiful story, with surprisingly small flaws, except for the typical ones that I find given the person that God has made me out to be, and given the belief I have in Him. The story just gripped me from start to finish, with lots of sequences in the midst that gripped me, made me yell at the characters, chuckle (probably closer to a giggle) to myself, and sometimes just made me go "Damn, I wish I was in a life like THAT..." My brother even turned around a few times and wondered why I was talking to myself...

*ahem*

But yes. The point of this post?

Not much, besides to post up a short summary/point of my daily devotional book (thanks to Anna. Anna CHEN that is. not PM-wannabe =D gomen!!!) and to release about this story.

And I can go on and give a philosophical blurb about all this and that and how the devotion relates to the story or not, or etc etc... but the main thought that is lurking on behind my head, you know, is this:

"I wish I can have a story and a romance like that. My heart is practically going to burst waiting."

And reason steps in:

"... that is properly centered on God, giving me something that is just missing from that story..."

One thing that I just find... kinda interesting, is the concept of stories. Sometimes, men and women are capable of crafting such tales that I cannot find words to describe them. Some of them can be a beautiful little story like 'Suzuka', where the daily lives and relationships of a few teenagers can touch hearts. Some of them are instead epics of Good vs. Evil, with many elements intertwined into its fabric, and these grand stories can just send us off to another land, where we are the hero, living the adventure, fighting for hope and rescuing the beauty. I love listening, watching, and reading stories, though I should also work harder in my own story called my life, I suppose.

Yet of the many stories that I have read, none of them never satisified me and is capable of making me stop reading and searching for more, for that story that will lift the bar, that will set the standard, that will just make my heart leap with joy and weep in sorrow, that will satisify me forever. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a pretty weird guy: but this is something that everyone experiences, as you well know. That we can never find THE story of all time, at least in the minds of humans.

Makes me wonder what kind of story God will show me on that day, when He returns and make all things new...

2005-12-20T21:12:00.000-08:00

Hmm.... =)

Well, first off, just wanted to thank God for this year.

He has given me so much, yet I still have so much more to learn and to receive from Him, the giver of all things good.

He gave me friends that cared and stuck with me through highs and lows, who helped me through tough periods and exams.

He gave me experiences that I would not forget, and through that, wisdom and knowledge.

He showed me more of the weak points that I have in me and things that I can improve in.

He broke my heart.... not only in a spirtual term, but also in the emotional side of things, so that I can learn to be more disciplined in terms of guiding my emotions as well as my actions. This was such a big part of things, and I couldn't have done it without Him, or my friends. Thanks man.

He gave me a family... I appreciate them far too often, though they are all, like me, funnily retarded, or retardedly funny. Take your pick =p

Most of all, He is who He always had been, and He will continue to be. Thank you, Father, friend, brother, lover of my soul.

Thanks for creating me on this day and allowing me to see Your wonders and Your heart.

As for this day, it was kinda funny: Woke up at like, 11:30 (Haven't done THAT for a while) then I went to eat ALL-YOU-CAN-BARF Fish n'Chips with my brother, Franz, and Winnie. THEN I went out to help Franz to "prepare his apartment" in UBC: i.e. putting on the covers on one bed and making the other one. Wow =p Hahaha. And then we drove around Vancouver in general, getting stuck in traffic jams and going back and forth because we couldn't decide where to go =) And then had dinner and an interesting convo with my family.

All in all, a pretty good day, and relaxing. Thanks to God for talking to me and teaching me more again too =)

2005-12-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

Oops. I did it again.

It's 12:30 AM the night before the exam, the exam is at 8:30AM in the morning in UBC, two hours away from home by bus... and I haven't studied a single shred for my Chem final, the hardest one I have. Starting on the problem set... which I haven't touched since after the midterms, the midterm that I just passed and scored above average on. The one where the average was 47% (64% scaled, so I actually got a freakin' B. woo hoo.)

The studying was going well with BIOL. Then went downhill with GEOG, though that didn't require too much studying, praise the LORD.

But this time I'm owning myself again. GAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Why do I do it anyways?

At least, if the exam manages to turn out well, people who know will all know that it's all GOD and not me. But man... maybe it's time for another lesson from Him. =(

*sigh

2005-12-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

Hmm...

Feeling lonely again, all of a sudden.

Just had a big kinda debate with Alex and Franz and my brother. It was interesting, in that at the end, we kind of understood that we were all talking about the same thing. Though some interesting points did come up though, such as on the point of compromise: You can compromise on things, but if they involve compromising your faith or truth, it's a definite no.

I don't know how this relates to it, but I can just start to feel doubts: "You know, because you are like this and you hold onto your way, nobody's gonna like you, ever. Maybe that's why people have left you, eh? Yeah, that must be why. That's why people never like you for long."

I know it's an attack of lies at this point; however, there's also the feeling that, you know, I need to learn the reverse... how to compromise in situations. Standing fast for my faith is something that I can do, though I admit that people do give me a lot of invisible pressure when I do it in public. But compromising is something that I'm bad at, I think. Am I?

I don't know. I just know that Satan's wacking on me again, and this feels lonely. Alex also told me he thinks I'm "Definitely ready." for relationships and such: but I still don't think so, especially since I haven't gone through something I told God I'd go through with him first. Maybe that's also something else that made me think about this.

Oh yeah, and that song that Anna sent me. Check it out on google: "Faithful Friends" by Twila Paris/Steven Curtis Chapman. It's a beautiful song, and I think me thinking about loneliness definitely had something to do with that.

2005-12-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

Holy Spirit, gift of God
Teach my soul to soar
Train me in your holy ways, Lord

Until I read the lyrics just now, I always thought that the second line said "Train my hands for war". Which might not be that bad of a replacement line, given how pathetic we are nowadays.

We are the church of Laodicea in Revelations, and we're lukewarm. Not only are we lukewarm: We're also rotting. And it's sickening. Something had prompted me to think that, and looking around me, I am seeing nothing that is happening. Everywhere, I'm seeing Christians who claim to know the Lord, but not only do they not do His will, they don't seem to even remember what His will is.

I guess what happened a few days ago started me thinking about this. I was on the 99 B-Line, and I was trying to read some research material. This fella, a big, balding caucasian dude that looked to be in his 40s or 50s with grey hair on the sides comes on. At first, he looked to be a normal looking guy that has a normal working life. I was sitting in the middle of the bus, and he sat down in the back. I paid no mind to it and continued reading: actually, most of these details about his appearance came after, when I turned back to get a better look at him.

So as I was reading my material, all of a sudden I hear someone talking.. seemingly to someone. You know how it feels when somebody's talking on their handsfree loudly to someone, but you can't see a handsfree kit because you're behind them or something? Well, that's what I thought initially too. I hear the guy in the back talking to some guy called "David", but the strange thing is, it certainly didn't sound right: the words were too well enunciated, there was some sort of weird anger and vibe... whatever it is, it didn't sound right. And then I thought about it: I didn't see any handsfree on that guy when he walked on. Yeah, I decided, a schizophrenaic that's a bit vocal. And I tried to continue with my reading.

What if you go over there, and lay hands on him, and pray for him... or even command any unclean spirit to come out of him?

That's rich, I thought. Then I realized that it sounds serious. What's wrong with being a disciple and doing what a disciple does, even if it's in the 21st Century? Does that mean God's power had changed and doesn't work now anymore? I thought, hearkening back to the days of the disciples acting in power, recorded well in the annuls of history, in the books of the Gospels, and in the book of Acts, along with various other instances in the New Testament.

Wait... are you freakin' serious? I mean... the guy can just have a mental illness. It might not even BE something like THAT! And, and... I never did anything like this before!

So? They never did anything like this before.

And so it goes on. While this mental debate was raging on in my heart, dozens of doubts were flashing through my mind. What if... what if... what if it's just you playing a trick on yourself, and that is not God? What if... what if...

I turned slightly back to glance at the man. For the first time, I saw his features. I saw him as he talked into the thin air, alternating between angry statements like that of a man talking to a disobedient son (David), statements to someone else... and sometimes he broke into fits of spouting out non-sense syllables, while scratching his head at a really fast rate, stopping, alternating to slapping his head, and then back to scratching again. His eyes were not focused, like that of a wild animal. Something in my heart did a slight little crack.

So? What do you have to lose? Your pride? Do you trust Me that it can work? And if it works, is the life of one man, who might want to have normalcy so that he can spend it with his family, work, have a life that's not tangled up by disease and sickness and the evil one, more worthy than your pride, your face, and your fears?

Torn by this debate raging on, I sat on in inaction, paralysed by my own fear, which could have been overthrown with the smallest movement, and reestablished with the slightest discouragement.

Can't you at least go and pray for the man, trying to let him know that he's not alone?

Hmm... I can try that. I decided after a long debate. Okay, if he doesn't get off at Clark street, I'll go to the back and... I don't know, sit across from the man, pray for him, tell him that God is with him... I don't know. But something. Better than sitting here, wallowing in someone's lies and mistrust. I waited. Clark street approached, and usually, not much people get off here: none sometimes, and 1 or 2 most other times.

The bus stopped. He got up, and left.

And I was left with myself again, shame washing over me. But... but....

I might never meet this man again. And when the chance called, I didn't respond. Instead, I cowered from a chance, even as slim as 0.01%, of being able to help, even just a bit. I shrank back because of myself, my own fear, and my own selfishness.

Then Commercial Station beckoned, and I was off. Back into my own world again, happily receiving a new gift from my parents, looking and hunting for my enjoyment and excitement.

Then this little tidbit came back to me again, and I wondered:

What the heck am we doing here?

I look at the youth group I attend, and maybe with slightly different eyes, as I wasn't able to attend the meeting this week. What are we doing there?

When was the last time we helped out someone in need together?

When was the last time we helped each other with our talents and our gifts?

When was the last time we had turned to the world and proclaimed in the Gospel in love and in power?

What the heck are we doing here?

Hmm. On second note and completely - I think - unrelated to this...

I feel lonely. Maybe it's because I wasn't at Youth Group or the banquet? Maybe it's because I have spent most of my waking hours in front of a computer for the last few days?

But yeah, I feel lonely. Odd =) And I've been talking to people, who I haven't talked to in AGES, for the last few days. Odd correlation?

Bloody fine light we're turning out to be. Bloody fine light I'M turning out to be.

2005-11-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

Determination

Where has that little boy gone, who fought with his life on the line for the victory, against all odds and expectations?

Where has that teenage brat gone, who for love was willing to risk his pride and live his time, with a silly grin stuck on his face?

Where has that young man gone, who defended his master's name and followed His call at all costs, bravely and shamelessly?

And when will the child of God appear once more, striving against the world to do what needs to be done, in plenty or in want, in sadness or in joy, in the midst of many, or in the corner of a darkened room?

Lord, please help me.

Fall on Jesus... Fall on Jesus... and live.

2005-11-28T23:36:00.000-08:00

His kindness, in spite of my sin that is and now was before me, is astounding.

Same goes for His justice.

2005-11-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

"Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain "

Actually, today I feel really grateful to God for creating music.

Usually, it's something that I don't think about. I sing, I listen, I play, all different kinds of music. Some of them are sad, some are happy, some are 'cool', some are upbeat, and some... just brings peace.

"Hide me now, under Your wings
Cover me, within Your mighty hand
When the oceans rise, and thunders roar
I will soar with you, above the storm
Father you are King, over the flood
I will be still, know You, are God."

In times of pain, God grants great songs that just lifts my heart and helps me to focus on Him, on what I need to do. Seeing beautiful pictures in nature helps me to do that too. For other people, it might be similar things or different things, but God still grants us all a way to be lifted out of our despair, through these things we often take for granted.

Thanks dude! =)

"I have been there.
I know what pain is all about
Yes I have been there
And I'm standing with you now
I have been there
And I came to build a bridge oh so
This road could lead you home
Oh I have been there."

2005-11-23T15:01:00.000-08:00

For some reason, mark has this GENIUS-level idea to start his term paper a day before it's due. kthxbye.

Oh, and a Pic of the Day right here.

2005-11-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

So here I was, driving up the hill through the fog and gloom to drop off Karen back at her house. Been a really weird day, with me not knowing how to respond to someone's sadness (again, which also makes me wonder about my abilities and whether I can be a doctor/teacher who cares for people and knows what to do...), and with people just not being in their normal shape. After I dropped off Karen, I began to drive home... then decided to take a detour and take the upper way home. Strangely, the scene begins to brighten somewhat, and then I realized that I can see the blue skies. It was, well, freakin' amazing. It's not anything I haven't seen before, true. But it also served to remind me that God is telling us, "Keep walking. I know it's hard, I know where you are and what you're going through right now, but I'll be with you and with those I love, always." Then boom, and you see it, and you realize, Oh, He isn't speaking crap at all. Why was I doubting Him?

Hey, take care, alright? I'll keep praying for you, and I want to talk to you if you don't mind (gimme a call!). These pictures are for you, and also for anybody whose day seems so gloomy and dark. They don't capture a tenth of the beauty... but I think 1/10th of God's glory in that is quite cool already =)

"30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:30-33

2005-11-13T23:50:00.000-08:00

Random convos:

Ying Fa -- back in Ottawa says:
ohh, yesterday was my first time ever going into the T&T supermarket
Ying Fa -- back in Ottawa says:
it's crazy in there!
mark - gto: poison. says:
...
mark - gto: poison. says:
welcome to asian middle-aged-women central
Ying Fa -- back in Ottawa says:
what?
mark - gto: poison. says:
prepare for your car to be scratched, for the deals to be snatched, and for you place in the line to be budged.
Ying Fa -- back in Ottawa says:
lol

ahh, the times of our life.

2005-11-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

Countdown: Two days.

It better bloody arrive on time =p

2005-11-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

Quotes that caught my eye:
"Sorrow looks back,
Worry looks around,
Faith looks up."

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through Love."
- Galatians 5:6

Random Thought:
Sometimes, I find it kinda funny how people put so much trust in their feelings, that they even use it as a compass for "what is right and what is wrong" in everything. True, sometimes "gut instincts" seem to work. However, going after "what feels good to me" as a guide to truth just plain doesn't make sense.

Then again, those people who are convinced that they are right won't even realize that they are doing that, or that anything is wrong with doing it either.

2005-11-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

Thought of the Day =)

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love."
Proverbs 27:5 ESV

"An honest answer
is like a kiss on the lips.."
Proverbs 24:26 NIV
"Giving an honest answer
is a sign of true friendship.
Proverbs 24:26 CEV

Better honesty than hiding the truth, for the truth will come back to bite your arse, someday.

2005-11-08T21:52:00.000-08:00

*starts engine*

goes out of the course, pushes car back in, starts car and go again.

and the race goes on.

On another note - Countdown begins. Arrival in 7 days.

2005-11-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

Been an interesting week with its downs, I'd say.

Actually, I had a lot to say yesterday, but it got swallowed down in the midst of everything. Suffice to say though, I feel more at peace now, though not much had actually happened.

And I actually managed to say "No" once too, which is awesome.

Now... @ 1PM, off to pick up my RAM (FINALLY), "secret package #2", and "secret package #3". May God help me on #3 there =)

Note: Oh yeah, funny thought that struck me yesterday. I was like, "Oh, hmm, aren't I in the situation where girls say "I like Mark: he makes a cool friend.", but none of them like me in 'that' way?"

Then I was like, OBVIOUSLY, since girls like guys who are, IMHO, funny, responsible, driven and can change. I'm only one of the above, and only sometimes am I funny =p

Then I realized that I was sounding like David back in high school again. GAAAAH.

OH!!! Just remembered what I was thinking about again. I was thinking after I wrote my last entry, and I thought, well, people might think that it's really all angsty.

Then I saw this and I bursted out laughing. Courtesy of Urban Dictionary.

1.Angst
Angst is about downtrodden teenagers thinking they're the only bloody people in the world who have it tough, and thinks that gives them an excuse to wallow in their own self-pity instead of actually doing something about their situation

Certainly DOES sound like it, eh? =) Even though I'm pretty sure that I wasn't.

And a coupla other thoughts that I can't remember. Oh well, that's for later =D

EDIT: Oh yeah, I remember now! Was talking to Franz and Alex earlier in the week. Managed to piss them both off and Franz said, you know, you blog sounds pathetic. God didn't give you just that.

mark: Yeah, I know I'm pathetic. (What's the bloody point?)

But yes, if you thought it was pathetic too, YOU ARE CORRECT =D

I don't know, but it sounds mightily amusing to me for some odd reason. I must be acquiring a Mr. Miller-style humor.

-_-"

EDIT2: Oh, here's what Franz said when I told him about the definition =)

franz says:
??
mark - gto: poison. says:
haha
mark - gto: poison. says:
sounds like my blog from earlier?
mark - gto: poison. says:
i started laughing when i saw this in urban dictionary
franz says:
i guess so?
mark - gto: poison. says:
then i clicked on the link to "emo"
mark - gto: poison. says:
and i lost it
mark - gto: poison. says:
rofl
franz says:
but it does define ur current situation
mark - gto: poison. says:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=emo
mark - gto: poison. says:
does it?
mark - gto: poison. says:
i don't think it is that for me, though it sounds like it.
franz says:
hmmm
mark - gto: poison. says:
for me, i understand that lots of people have it tougher
mark - gto: poison. says:
and that i'm not unique
mark - gto: poison. says:
but it was more like i want to give up on myself
mark - gto: poison. says:
consciously
franz says:
hmm
mark - gto: poison. says:
becuase i don't want to do something about my situation
mark - gto: poison. says:
so, in other words
mark - gto: poison. says:
i'm an EVOLVED Angsty teenager! =D

2005-10-30T01:02:00.000-08:00

(As this is intended to be my journal, some of the things I am saying might sound offending, as they are mostly unedited thoughts. Please pardon me if you're offended, and we can talk.

If anyone reads this, that is.)

I'm tired.

I guess my goal to use this as a journal is kinda not working out that well, as I am the sorta guy that likes to keep to myself until things pile up. Yet on the other hand I want attention too, inside. Now, on cue, here's where someone will go "Mark, everyone's like that."

Yeah, so your point being...?

I know I'm quite a whiner, irresponsible, slow to change, stupidly insensitive at crucial moments, stubborn, irritating, likes attention, quick to condemn people, and lazy. And also not a man, or one who follows God's footsteps well. And what I say don't really matches with what I do. Happy?

And if you think that I am saying all this looking for sympathy when you read up to this point, guess what? Good job! Since you're so smart to have figured that out, might as well add that to the list if you were actually thinking that, eh?

People are just so damn tiring sometimes. Especially me.

"We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning, but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him." - 1 John 5:18

That verse and others are similarly echoed through out the bible. Noww....

On one hand there's the fact that we aren't sinners anymore.
On the other hand there's the fact that we are still sinning.
But since Christ took away our sins, past, present and future, we aren't sinners anymore.

But still. WTH?

I mean, what am I to do with that? I feel like I can't change at all.

Then again, on the other hand, there's Him tapping my shoulder in the shower today:

"You know, I wouldn't tell you to do something that you can't, right?"
"..."

And oh, btw, one last offending statement of the day: When you have someone you call a brother/sister/friend in pain, and you aren't prepared to love, care and share in the pain for a brother/sister/friend, and is instead substituting that with saying something cliche and just bang out solutions, then leave... please, save your breath. Job's friends sat with him for bloody 7 days; we can't even ask a simple "How are you?" or spend time listening to that person, sitting with them, or directing attention towards their needs. Instead, we focus all the time on OUR needs. OUR troubles. What am I going to do with my life. What am I going to do with my relationships. What am I going to do with this choice or that. Blah blah blah.

We wrap our full attention around our own hearts and fail to notice other hearts that have a gaping hole in them.

And we have managed to turn our own hearts slowly to ice as well.

Then years later, we'll wonder what has gone wrong with our friendships, relationships, and family. Why is everything so fake, so routine, so loveless. Why we aren't connecting well with God. Why the church isn't growing. Why our lives are so crappy.

That is for everyone who reads this. I hope that you'll take that away from this pile of crap as the one thing worth remembering, along with the verse.

Oh, and yes, I'm being hypocritical there too, so you can add that to the list. Boo yeah.

Beautiful Life - Konya tsuki no mieru oka ni

2005-10-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

*Groans*

Man, I REALLY need to sleep more. And I really need to stop catching up on sleep in the morning class....

Let's see: Work till 12, Class, rush home for 2 hours of tutoring, then it's night already.... and time to work again.

GAH.

Random Question of the day: Mac users, how do you live without... NO, not the right mouse button. How do you freakin' live without a SCROLL WHEEL??? (At least on older macs)

2005-10-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

Robbers snatch woman's purse, then return it

Tue Oct 18, 2:30 PM ET

VALLETTA (Reuters) - Two hooded gunmen who robbed a pharmacy returned an elderly woman's purse after she told them it contained the only money she had to buy medicine, Maltese newspapers reported Tuesday.

The two men barged into a pharmacy at Marsascala, a seaside village in the south of the island, Monday and took 600 Malta liri from the till after threatening the pharmacist with their guns.

One of them grabbed the purse held by the elderly woman who was waiting to be served, then handed it back after her pleading and rushed out to a waiting motorcycle.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/malta_dc;_ylt=Ak5WdIu6CrYOPj6x26_mFPrtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA5aHJvMDdwBHNlYwN5bmNhdA--

The stories of our time.

And yes, BIOL 303 Midterm tomorrow. Prepared? Nope. Well, actually better than I thought. So... yeah.

Today we had a bible study, up in the study rooms of the new Erving Library. All windows and such, and all I saw today were gray clouds.

Jeff brought up a point today. Jesus, when we're in times or need or other times, never told us to go do this or do that or whatever. He just told us to "Come to me..." (Matthew 11:28) When I read this passage last week, I actually asked a question. Jesus said "my burden is light..."

And my reaction to that: "WTH? It's light??" I mean, it sure didn't feel like it at this point in my life.

As for "Come to me...", part of my heart right now is just sort of resistant against that idea. I don't deserve to go, I don't want to go... etc. And the other part knows that I should, or else I'll just dip lower and lower.

One side: You suck! You can't do jack anyways, you've tried for such a long time and you still can't change a single thing with yourself. You are never going to make it into Med with that stupid brain of yours. You are a bloody failure. You are selfish, stubborn, cocky, self-righteous... etc.

Other side: You know some of that's wrong, and some of that's true. Go to God and He'll help you overcome.

My side: ...

2005-10-19T01:42:00.000-07:00

Yep. This is going to be sorta like my journal from now on. Now let's hope that I can remember to update this, at least, eh?

Tomorrow's bible study is at Erving 416. Library study room that looks better than my room: ain't that funky?

Rant due after my midterm on Thursday... or something. I really have to collect my thoughts again.

2005-09-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

Hmm... let's give this a shot, shall we?