(As this is intended to be my journal, some of the things I am saying might sound offending, as they are mostly unedited thoughts. Please pardon me if you're offended, and we can talk.

If anyone reads this, that is.)


I'm tired.


I guess my goal to use this as a journal is kinda not working out that well, as I am the sorta guy that likes to keep to myself until things pile up. Yet on the other hand I want attention too, inside. Now, on cue, here's where someone will go "Mark, everyone's like that."

Yeah, so your point being...?

I know I'm quite a whiner, irresponsible, slow to change, stupidly insensitive at crucial moments, stubborn, irritating, likes attention, quick to condemn people, and lazy. And also not a man, or one who follows God's footsteps well. And what I say don't really matches with what I do. Happy?

And if you think that I am saying all this looking for sympathy when you read up to this point, guess what? Good job! Since you're so smart to have figured that out, might as well add that to the list if you were actually thinking that, eh?


People are just so damn tiring sometimes. Especially me.

"We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning, but he who was born of God protects him, and the evil one does not touch him." - 1 John 5:18

That verse and others are similarly echoed through out the bible. Noww....

On one hand there's the fact that we aren't sinners anymore.
On the other hand there's the fact that we are still sinning.
But since Christ took away our sins, past, present and future, we aren't sinners anymore.

But still. WTH?


I mean, what am I to do with that? I feel like I can't change at all.

Then again, on the other hand, there's Him tapping my shoulder in the shower today:

"You know, I wouldn't tell you to do something that you can't, right?"
"..."


And oh, btw, one last offending statement of the day: When you have someone you call a brother/sister/friend in pain, and you aren't prepared to love, care and share in the pain for a brother/sister/friend, and is instead substituting that with saying something cliche and just bang out solutions, then leave... please, save your breath. Job's friends sat with him for bloody 7 days; we can't even ask a simple "How are you?" or spend time listening to that person, sitting with them, or directing attention towards their needs. Instead, we focus all the time on OUR needs. OUR troubles. What am I going to do with my life. What am I going to do with my relationships. What am I going to do with this choice or that. Blah blah blah.

We wrap our full attention around our own hearts and fail to notice other hearts that have a gaping hole in them.

And we have managed to turn our own hearts slowly to ice as well.

Then years later, we'll wonder what has gone wrong with our friendships, relationships, and family. Why is everything so fake, so routine, so loveless. Why we aren't connecting well with God. Why the church isn't growing. Why our lives are so crappy.

That is for everyone who reads this. I hope that you'll take that away from this pile of crap as the one thing worth remembering, along with the verse.



Oh, and yes, I'm being hypocritical there too, so you can add that to the list. Boo yeah.



Beautiful Life - Konya tsuki no mieru oka ni