Hmm.... =)

Well, first off, just wanted to thank God for this year.

He has given me so much, yet I still have so much more to learn and to receive from Him, the giver of all things good.

He gave me friends that cared and stuck with me through highs and lows, who helped me through tough periods and exams.

He gave me experiences that I would not forget, and through that, wisdom and knowledge.

He showed me more of the weak points that I have in me and things that I can improve in.

He broke my heart.... not only in a spirtual term, but also in the emotional side of things, so that I can learn to be more disciplined in terms of guiding my emotions as well as my actions. This was such a big part of things, and I couldn't have done it without Him, or my friends. Thanks man.

He gave me a family... I appreciate them far too often, though they are all, like me, funnily retarded, or retardedly funny. Take your pick =p

Most of all, He is who He always had been, and He will continue to be. Thank you, Father, friend, brother, lover of my soul.

Thanks for creating me on this day and allowing me to see Your wonders and Your heart.



As for this day, it was kinda funny: Woke up at like, 11:30 (Haven't done THAT for a while) then I went to eat ALL-YOU-CAN-BARF Fish n'Chips with my brother, Franz, and Winnie. THEN I went out to help Franz to "prepare his apartment" in UBC: i.e. putting on the covers on one bed and making the other one. Wow =p Hahaha. And then we drove around Vancouver in general, getting stuck in traffic jams and going back and forth because we couldn't decide where to go =) And then had dinner and an interesting convo with my family.

All in all, a pretty good day, and relaxing. Thanks to God for talking to me and teaching me more again too =)

Oops. I did it again.

It's 12:30 AM the night before the exam, the exam is at 8:30AM in the morning in UBC, two hours away from home by bus... and I haven't studied a single shred for my Chem final, the hardest one I have. Starting on the problem set... which I haven't touched since after the midterms, the midterm that I just passed and scored above average on. The one where the average was 47% (64% scaled, so I actually got a freakin' B. woo hoo.)

The studying was going well with BIOL. Then went downhill with GEOG, though that didn't require too much studying, praise the LORD.

But this time I'm owning myself again. GAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Why do I do it anyways?

At least, if the exam manages to turn out well, people who know will all know that it's all GOD and not me. But man... maybe it's time for another lesson from Him. =(

*sigh

Hmm...

Feeling lonely again, all of a sudden.

Just had a big kinda debate with Alex and Franz and my brother. It was interesting, in that at the end, we kind of understood that we were all talking about the same thing. Though some interesting points did come up though, such as on the point of compromise: You can compromise on things, but if they involve compromising your faith or truth, it's a definite no.

I don't know how this relates to it, but I can just start to feel doubts: "You know, because you are like this and you hold onto your way, nobody's gonna like you, ever. Maybe that's why people have left you, eh? Yeah, that must be why. That's why people never like you for long."

I know it's an attack of lies at this point; however, there's also the feeling that, you know, I need to learn the reverse... how to compromise in situations. Standing fast for my faith is something that I can do, though I admit that people do give me a lot of invisible pressure when I do it in public. But compromising is something that I'm bad at, I think. Am I?

I don't know. I just know that Satan's wacking on me again, and this feels lonely. Alex also told me he thinks I'm "Definitely ready." for relationships and such: but I still don't think so, especially since I haven't gone through something I told God I'd go through with him first. Maybe that's also something else that made me think about this.

Oh yeah, and that song that Anna sent me. Check it out on google: "Faithful Friends" by Twila Paris/Steven Curtis Chapman. It's a beautiful song, and I think me thinking about loneliness definitely had something to do with that.

Holy Spirit, gift of God
Teach my soul to soar
Train me in your holy ways, Lord

Until I read the lyrics just now, I always thought that the second line said "Train my hands for war". Which might not be that bad of a replacement line, given how pathetic we are nowadays.

We are the church of Laodicea in Revelations, and we're lukewarm. Not only are we lukewarm: We're also rotting. And it's sickening. Something had prompted me to think that, and looking around me, I am seeing nothing that is happening. Everywhere, I'm seeing Christians who claim to know the Lord, but not only do they not do His will, they don't seem to even remember what His will is.

I guess what happened a few days ago started me thinking about this. I was on the 99 B-Line, and I was trying to read some research material. This fella, a big, balding caucasian dude that looked to be in his 40s or 50s with grey hair on the sides comes on. At first, he looked to be a normal looking guy that has a normal working life. I was sitting in the middle of the bus, and he sat down in the back. I paid no mind to it and continued reading: actually, most of these details about his appearance came after, when I turned back to get a better look at him.

So as I was reading my material, all of a sudden I hear someone talking.. seemingly to someone. You know how it feels when somebody's talking on their handsfree loudly to someone, but you can't see a handsfree kit because you're behind them or something? Well, that's what I thought initially too. I hear the guy in the back talking to some guy called "David", but the strange thing is, it certainly didn't sound right: the words were too well enunciated, there was some sort of weird anger and vibe... whatever it is, it didn't sound right. And then I thought about it: I didn't see any handsfree on that guy when he walked on. Yeah, I decided, a schizophrenaic that's a bit vocal. And I tried to continue with my reading.

What if you go over there, and lay hands on him, and pray for him... or even command any unclean spirit to come out of him?

That's rich, I thought. Then I realized that it sounds serious. What's wrong with being a disciple and doing what a disciple does, even if it's in the 21st Century? Does that mean God's power had changed and doesn't work now anymore? I thought, hearkening back to the days of the disciples acting in power, recorded well in the annuls of history, in the books of the Gospels, and in the book of Acts, along with various other instances in the New Testament.

Wait... are you freakin' serious? I mean... the guy can just have a mental illness. It might not even BE something like THAT! And, and... I never did anything like this before!

So? They never did anything like this before.

And so it goes on. While this mental debate was raging on in my heart, dozens of doubts were flashing through my mind. What if... what if... what if it's just you playing a trick on yourself, and that is not God? What if... what if...

I turned slightly back to glance at the man. For the first time, I saw his features. I saw him as he talked into the thin air, alternating between angry statements like that of a man talking to a disobedient son (David), statements to someone else... and sometimes he broke into fits of spouting out non-sense syllables, while scratching his head at a really fast rate, stopping, alternating to slapping his head, and then back to scratching again. His eyes were not focused, like that of a wild animal. Something in my heart did a slight little crack.

So? What do you have to lose? Your pride? Do you trust Me that it can work? And if it works, is the life of one man, who might want to have normalcy so that he can spend it with his family, work, have a life that's not tangled up by disease and sickness and the evil one, more worthy than your pride, your face, and your fears?

Torn by this debate raging on, I sat on in inaction, paralysed by my own fear, which could have been overthrown with the smallest movement, and reestablished with the slightest discouragement.

Can't you at least go and pray for the man, trying to let him know that he's not alone?

Hmm... I can try that. I decided after a long debate. Okay, if he doesn't get off at Clark street, I'll go to the back and... I don't know, sit across from the man, pray for him, tell him that God is with him... I don't know. But something. Better than sitting here, wallowing in someone's lies and mistrust. I waited. Clark street approached, and usually, not much people get off here: none sometimes, and 1 or 2 most other times.

The bus stopped. He got up, and left.

And I was left with myself again, shame washing over me. But... but....

I might never meet this man again. And when the chance called, I didn't respond. Instead, I cowered from a chance, even as slim as 0.01%, of being able to help, even just a bit. I shrank back because of myself, my own fear, and my own selfishness.

Then Commercial Station beckoned, and I was off. Back into my own world again, happily receiving a new gift from my parents, looking and hunting for my enjoyment and excitement.

Then this little tidbit came back to me again, and I wondered:

What the heck am we doing here?


I look at the youth group I attend, and maybe with slightly different eyes, as I wasn't able to attend the meeting this week. What are we doing there?

When was the last time we helped out someone in need together?

When was the last time we helped each other with our talents and our gifts?

When was the last time we had turned to the world and proclaimed in the Gospel in love and in power?


What the heck are we doing here?




Hmm. On second note and completely - I think - unrelated to this...

I feel lonely. Maybe it's because I wasn't at Youth Group or the banquet? Maybe it's because I have spent most of my waking hours in front of a computer for the last few days?

But yeah, I feel lonely. Odd =) And I've been talking to people, who I haven't talked to in AGES, for the last few days. Odd correlation?


Bloody fine light we're turning out to be. Bloody fine light I'M turning out to be.