No, your ears are not deceiving you. This is a Britney Spears song, and I am streaming it.


Part I - Me

"... everytime I try to fly, I fall
without my wings, I feel so small..."

When you feel like you've tried really hard already, and you still fall on your ass, always looking up at the top of the well... well, I can't help but feel a bit angry. Resigned. And deflated. Given that I actually went to SFU for a week and tried hard to study for these two midterms, then unexpectedly, they screwed me over...

It kind of deflates you, especially if you haven't had good results a while, and especailly if you can't even step over these miniscule bumps. How can I get to med if I can't even do an easy phys chem midterm properly? How can I get to bloody med if a Biol midterm slaps me in the face with a 67%... when I actually tried to study for the damn thing? I get higher when I go in studying for 4 hours the night before!

I do thank God though, as the Biol MT was.... well, the teacher admit that it was written crappily, class avg. 57%, and that he's going to make it worth only 5%. And that means I have a chance. But still, there goes the confidence, in a way.

Small thing, I know. Full of angst, I know. Sue me.


Then come matters in your spiritual life, and in your fight against sin.

Same thing. I've promised to try to stop it. And now I realize, how bad of an idea it was to make a promise regarding myself and stopping my sinful habits... because I had no idea how weak I really am. Actually, I probably know how weak I am, but I just didn't watch my big mouth before I blurted it out. Now look at me, and where I am, again.

The fact that He gives me so much, and how much responsibility I take towards it... it's sickening. I can't even hold promises to other people and follow through on it. Much less my promises to God. What the hell am I?

Then the song starts to ring in my head again, and I realize the truth of it, all the more.


"What do I have, if I don't have you Jesus..."



Part II - Me... and an empty heart.

"... everytime I see, you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me..."

And now... for the GOOD stuff. Ho boy. As if the stuff in front wasn't bad enough.

I've been trying to not look at her. In a way, maybe it's because I'm angry that I THINK she's doing something stupid, like liking some guy she shouldn't be liking. Or maybe it's just that I don't want anything more to do with her other than be a brother that cares about her if she needs me to, because reason tells me that she's not a girl that "fits" me well, nor I her.

Maybe that's already a sign that something is not quite right with me. Oh, I know she's chose another guy and not me already... I think. Yet, when I see her get so friendly with another guy besides the one she might have 'chosen', part of me goes "WTH?". The other part of me, through conversations with people, believes that it has reached a logical conclusion as well: "That she really isn't the type of girl for me. I mean, look at this, look at that... blah blah blah..."

Then I encountered her one day. Maybe she was trying to see why I am being distant from her, which is why she tried to talk to me a few times. Maybe she was just being herself.

And then I glanced at her. And then... the image just wouldn't leave my head after that. And my heart just kind of tightened painfully. Hmm.


Looks like my heart doesn't quite agree with my logic. Or maybe my heart is giving my head a raised eyebrow and asking "So what?"


Knowing that I like her quite a lot still doesn't help at all though. She'd already rejected me once, and chosen someone else once. She already believes that I am not the type of person for her. So why would she accept?

I want to be so much to her. I want to give her so much. But I am only a bird who can't fly, no matter how hard I try to grow, how hard I try to flap my wings. Maybe I don't even know whether I really want what I think I want, which is even worse.

So what's left? What do I even have that I can give?